New Chapters

This past weekend, I took some time away to invest in myself, rejuvenate, detach, rethink, and process through a number of things that have happened in my life over the past months. Obviously I’ve taken an extended leave of absence from investing in my writing here online, so I thought that this would be an appropriate time to post a few thoughts that have been circling around my head. Being that it has been so long I need to lay a little ground work before I can get to the punch line in terms of what this all means for me and my life…and this specific investment of my time.

In September, right around the time I wrote my last post I had just finished completing an annual plan for myself. The process I went through was far more comprehensive than simply a list of goals or things I want to “get done” in my life, that was for sure a part of it, but more than that it was a plan. The “plan” addressed a number of key components of life, the investment of my time, the investment of my energy, the key sources of my satisfaction, key actions, key risks, and a few big picture items that should be my self-defined focus points for the next year. It’s interesting what a few months of distance can do for your perspective on yourself, especially when you have a clear cut document to trace back to. September me, had a few things right, namely my big picture focus, my self-identified risks, my key actions…however my approach to the rest of the plan was off the mark, and I realized this weekend that my efforts and desires have experienced a disconnect in the past year. This realization isn’t earth shattering, but it has provided a great deal of insight into the areas of my life which have been lacking effectiveness. In some areas my underlying motives were spot on, but the complementary actions were not well suited for the motive, in other areas the actions were right but the motive was mis-defined.

For example, in September I thought I really wanted to make an investment to get back into endurance racing, I had a list of actions and targets I wanted to accomplish, but this weekend I realized that I don’t really care so much about racing right now, what I care about is my well-being, and a huge part of my physical, mental, and spiritual well-being is not derived from racing, but derived from being disciplined and consistent about getting “me” time out on the open road. I need endurance therapy every week, it quiets my mind and heart, re-centers me, and blows off an adequate amount of my irrational steam and makes an otherwise wildly insatiable man, calm (relatively). My actions were right, I need to invest time in my fitness within certain boundaries, my motives were off, its because I enjoy it, and because it makes me a better me.

What has been revealing through this weekend of self reflection is that unless my motives and actions are aligned, I am much less effective…whether it be in my spiritual life, in relationships, or fitness…a disconnection of the why and what in our lives can be really frustrating. This revelation has given me the opportunity to rethink where I’m applying energy in my life and why.

Sparing you the detailed prognosis and subsequent change of plans, I’ve realized that I really needed this weekend to reset and refocus some things in my life. It’s amazing when you turn off the TV, unplug the laptop from the internet, how still life can become and how salient otherwise dulled factors in our lives can be. As I’ve sat here this morning watching the sunrise over the eastern sky in Tucson, I think I’ve finished shedding some necessary dead weight in my life. I probably don’t write about it here very often but I have some really petty and stupid coping mechanisms in my life that are faithless and fear based that need to be in check. This weekend I’ve been able to leave some garbage behind that has kept certain areas of my life and my heart from leaping forward the way I’ve been made to do. It’s strange, that as the things we often keep around in our lives to keep us comfortable are the very things that keep us from being fully alive. For me it was a series of thought patterns, actions, and people that I had been keeping around to make me feel comfortable…but what I realized is that I had traded comfort for being fully myself. Sometimes, things start to feel good where we are in life, and we get attached to ideas, actions, or people not because they are what’s best, but because they simply are…ie I gravitate towards what is convenient. And as scary as it can be to break free from that, the liberation and possibility that lies in the unknown far exceeds the monotony and predictability of comfort.

When I started this project, “The Open Book” I wanted a platform to share me with you. It was never intended to be Panoff expository on the way to live and other spiritual matters, though I confess maybe it became that in some ways. As I’ve taken a break, and some time to asses a few critical aspects of my life, I added one risk to my list of pitfalls to avoid, and that is spreading myself to thin. I have a lot of things that pull my attention span around each day, and I’ve realized that I’ve indulged too many of those thoughts, I’ve realized I’ve spread myself thin. This tendency is honestly fear driven, and I think the reality is that for me I allow myself to make little investments in a lot of areas because its less risky. Its far easier for me say I could hypothetically qualify for the Ironman in Hawaii, become an award winning writer, be a master composer, cure cancer, learn to fly, and learn to speak Mandarin Chinese…IF I only had the time and applied the energy…the hard choice that I am making is to say, “here we go, come hell or high water I am going to pursue this with my whole heart, and if I fail…at least I know it wasn’t for lack of effort”

God made me with a really big heart and really big dreams, for those of you who know me well you know this to be true. So for now, for me, I’m making some choices to leave a lot of comfort behind and truly pursue some big things for me. And for the time being that means I’m going to reapply my efforts in writing to a new medium…yes I’ll still be writing, just differently, in different ways, with a renewed and rejuvenated purpose. My intent, to live a life that is an open book, is very much the same, and for that reason I wanted to write what will be my last post for a while (yeah I may dabble here and there).

I can’t express enough how enriched I have been through this process, a man left to his own thoughts will surely go mad, so whether or not anyone still reads here, I guess this is not farewell, but see you later, and maybe this one was for me to have closure and to take a definitive step in new direction, or maybe take a step in the same direction with a new purpose. Thank you for letting me share a portion of my life with you all…there is so much more to come…just in new ways.

Get out there and live,
CP
chrispanoff.blogspot.com