The Greatest Gift I Gave Me

In 2006 I started a tradition, I believe the standard is that it takes 3 years to be a true tradition, so this year I guess it’s official. I decided that for my birthday I would benchmark/chronicle my life by writing myself a letter each year. When I started I had no idea what I was doing, or what it may yield, but at the time I was at a place where I saw fit to create a beacon to get back to that time in my life. Believe me I know this sounds like a novelty that a teacher would force upon a student as a cute literary and inspirational exercise…and I guess that’s not too far off. I have made a commitment to read them only around my birthday or the weeks leading up to it to prepare my thoughts, and then to put them away for the rest of the year…it has been a great gift from past tense me each year.

As I recall 2006, the year I wrote the first letter, it was a really hard year for me. By no means did anything catastrophic happen, and in no way were the challenges I faced earth shattering or insurmountable, it was just a difficult time for me. For whatever reason or reasons it was like I couldn’t get the ground beneath my feet, I had a general imbalance about me that was terribly frustrating. Every time I thought I had gotten through the worst of it, something new would emerge…it felt very much like the year of no respite. Yet despite all that, each year I read a letter from someone who found immense joy and peace despite those things.

I guess despite all my uncertainty, all the challenges and all the discomfort I did remember a few things that were inalienable that let joy prevail in my life. As I go back and read these letters, it’s amazing to reflect on where I’ve been. I don’t know how it worked out so well, but some of the tidbits I wrote in that first letter have been profound in keeping my heart and soul healthy and rooted in purpose, and on the right track. It’s sometimes easy to so caught up in where we are, what we’re doing, and where we think we’re going it’s easy to forget where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. Below are a few of the reminders over the past few years which I have left myself to remember where I’ve been…for what it’s worth here are a few themes that have shown up in my letters that have been encouraging for each of the past years.

1. A reminder of who I am – this seems trivial, but I am about as ADD as they come, and often times I get so wound up, distracted, and move so fast that sometimes its I forget who I am in my heart of hearts.
   
2. A reminder that God made me, God chose me to be his, that he loves me, and that I’m a steward of his work. I love the infinite “specialness” that is God’s creation work…I need to remind myself that God made me on purpose, to love doing specific things, to love people in specific ways, and most importantly to love him. This to me is no small deal, and can revolutionize the way you look at every moment of your life…if you let it.
3. A reminder to hold on to nothing, one of my best friends taught me 3 important words, “Let it go”. I believe that there is only so much room in our hearts, if we choose to hold on to too much of the hurt, the heartache, and the pain of this life, undoubtedly we will be embittered and callous patrons of this life. If we let that stuff go and melt away, we make room for love, joy, and peace that only God provides.
4. A reminder to keep “doing”…one of my biggest self identified risks is the risk of not doing anything. I need to be gently spurred to keep being outbound with my life, to make something of every minute of every day, I know this seems like stuff you’d read on a graduation card, but it’s worth repeating, it’s worth pursuing, and it’s worth living out each day
5. Finally, I remind myself to love people in my life freely and recklessly, this may be the single most important thing that past tense me has done for present tense me. It is really hard, to really love. When we open our hearts it makes room to get hurt, be let down, be disappointed…past tense me knew that, and saw firit to encourage present tense me to love anyways. It is a scary conviction to have, but I really believe that if we want to do anything with ourselves, it has to begin and end with love.
   

These letters have been a huge blessing in my life, and have been a great source of reflection each year, and while it feels like the distant past, it’s quite familiar. I know that I’m prone to wander, and while this is the case, each year I get a reminder of where home is.
I always seem to be on airplanes when I write these things…but that is probably circumstantial versus intentional, and oddly this week I’m flying to New York, which just so happens to be where I was flying from when I wrote my first letter. Sometimes life affords us beautiful poetic symmetry…

I’m not sure what I’ll write this year but I hope my letter makes it to future me, and I hope future me is encouraged by whatever it is… I’m thankful to have friends and a family who love me and make my life truly special.

Glad to have made it so far,
CP
http://Chrispanoff.blogspot.com